after all this is where I go to confess

Dear friends forgive me for I have sinned.  I have let life, health, and excuses take me right back to where I started over a year ago.  I have let food become my secret again.

I mean really? How can you add weight so quickly when it takes you so long to take it off?  It makes no sense to me.

But whether or not it makes sense, that is how it happens.  In the blink of an eye (or slowly over the course of two months) I have added 16 pounds back to my body.

That's a bowling ball.
A small dog.
16 packages of hamburger.

No wonder I'm tired...Exhausted really.
I get winded walking up the stairs in our apartment. But if you had to carry an extra bowling ball up and down the stairs every time you used them, it would get tiring.

Today is the day I take back my routine.  We threw out all the desserts.  We emptied out the fridge. My arch nemesis,the little bags of delicious chips, are still in the cabinet but I must have control because they are for my husband's lunch (not that it stopped me before!)

The hardest part will be:
finding the energy to cook healthy meals when all I want to do is just sit down.
motivating myself to walk (or do ANYTHING) when all I want to do is just sit down.
using self control when I want to continuously snack or binge.

If you have committed food sins and need to repent, please join me this year to kick those nasty habits...again.

something's off...

ROCKED IT.
I bought that bikini top.
I wore that bikini top.
BEST DAY EVER. 

I felt comfortable and confident.  No one was looking or making fun.  They were all buys living their own lives to notice that a chubby chick was wearing a two piece bathing suit.  We hold ourselves back.  And that's just silly.

I don't have a problem with my confidence (*most days---even the most positive people can have an off day every now and then).  So please don't mistake the rest of this post as me complaining about gaining weight because it makes me LOOK different.  That is not my intention.  My quam with my recent gain is because it has made me FEEL different.

In the last week I have put on 9 pounds.
NINE POUNDS.
in a week.

How do you even gain 9 pounds in a week?  Something's off.  I don't know how or why or what is going on.  My body feels heavy. Bloated. Hungry but Nauseated. Tired. My brain is even fuzzy and I have had a lot of headaches. (and no...I'm not pregnant.)

I am hoping that going back to work this week will help something. I don't know what it would be helping, but maybe?  All I know is that something's gotta give. 

SOUTH

Clearwater Beach, FL my first vacation EVER:)

Pass Christian, MS in December after Katrina

         

Cocoa Beach, FL after a week at Disney

Galveston, TX with my Aunt and Uncle

New Orleans, LA on our "honeymoon" trip

As you can see, every few years I have been compelled to go so far south that I am surrounded by sand, palm trees, and water.  I get the "itch".  The travel bug.  The NEED to be somewhere else to take my cares away.  This year is no different than the others.  We are going to Gulf Shores, MS and I couldn't be more ecstatic!

I haven't realized at the time of these vacations but I have honestly been very lucky and blessed to have been able to go on these trips.  I have always had just enough money to make these trips happen.  I have always had just the right people to go with.  It has always just worked out.

Now usually I get all up in arms about how I look because I want to look nice in pictures and obviously, look nice in the dreaded swim suit.  This year I have taken a different approach.

I have decided if size zeros can wear it...so can I. 
BEWARE---my beach photos are going to look VERY different this year :)


I am just excited and needed to get it out there...I AM HEADED TO THE BEACH!!!!
and I realize that my body is good enough to be there.

We are in it together

This last week we buckled down and made some serious changes.

I had a bridesmaid dress I HAD TO WEAR on Saturday; don't get me wrong-it zipped and all that but it felt super tight around my stomach.

So over the course of the last week we went on a couple of walks, I did a lot of work in my new classroom, and really cut back on what I was eating.  I was able to lose 5 pounds last week. AND with the help of a girdle (they aren't called that anymore they are now called "SHAPERS") that dress fit MUCH better.

The best part is my husband and I have been in this together.  He has also been making changes in his diet (more portion control) and he lost 7 pounds last week!  It really helps when you are trying to cut back when you're not a lone. At least we have both been miserably hungry, right?

Hopefully we will continue and not let life get in the way.

Life happens.

That doesn't mean we have to abandon our own health just because we are too involved in something else that we can't see the damage we are doing to ourselves.

We have let life happen too much this year.  Life happened (relatives getting sick, stress at work, exhaustion) and instead of being reactive to it, we sank to the bottom.  We are in this life together.  We only get this one.  We need to continue to take care of ourselves so that we can enjoy all our lives have to offer us (and not just enjoy the offering of "wanting fries with that").

We went for a walk

We went for a walk Memorial Day.  We had actually planned to go to the movies.  Something that we never really do! We picked out the movie...then forgot.

We went to Bennett Springs instead and took my sweet girl, Molly.  She enjoys going for a walk, but because of us she doesn't get out much either!  We walked for maybe 10 minutes and she was ready to come home!

It was nice to share that time walking with two of my favorite things in the whole world.

she was NOT impressed with the fish.

I am one of those "Dog Moms" who consider their pet to actually be their child.  She sticks close to me and doesn't really notice that other people are around.  She makes me feel special like that<3

Then there is this sweet man.  He actually suggested the walk AND taking Molly.  He took her down this hillside so she could try to get a drink of water.  He says he doesn't love her, but we know differently. 

We need to do this walk thing more often. It was good for all of us!
AND just like a kid, Molly slept in the backseat on the way home :)

Time.

As I read back on my posts since January I realize that my life was functioning in a very manner at the time.  We were just finding out that my aunt was dying with cancer.  No one quite saw it coming (even though we saw it coming for years).

Time went on. 
Her body began to fail quickly.

We lost her just a few days before Easter.
We buried her remains yesterday.
It was a lot harder than I was ready for.

Within 2 years my mom's family has lost 2 siblings and 2 in-laws. Only 1 did not struggle with cancer.
Every time in the last two years that we have lost someone, we grieve all over again for the ones we lost not that long ago.  Then all around me I have friends, coworkers, people you read/see stories about in the news that are losing their lives because of cancer.

I am done with this cancer nonsense. It makes me worry about my loved ones and the things that we don't know.  I look at my husband and pray that we BOTH are able to live happy, "healthy" lives.
...we never know how much time we will be given.

Sometimes we waste our time by getting in the groove of just sitting.
"Relaxing" and watching tv or staring at our computers or phones.

I think perhaps it's time we get back out here and enjoy the life are living and live it for the ones who wish they could still be here living it with us. 
it's time.

Compliments and Reflections

It's always nice to receive a compliment. It makes you feel like you are in fact doing something right with your fashion sense. I feel good about what I wear because I LIKE it.  Not because it's "in style" or because it makes me look thin..er.  I choose my clothes because they represent my personality. Lately I have received compliments from several people I work with.  With their comments about "how cute" I look are usually comes with a side note of them taking a shot at themselves.   So that makes me wonder...why don't they feel as good about their body as I do mine?

Some ladies have odd perspectives about how their bodies look.  By "odd" I mean completely distorted.  They see themselves as fat, not pretty enough, blah hair, etc. All of these things are in fact false.
...but try telling them that.

It's okay to have a pouch and or rolls around your body.
It's okay to have a wide tushy.
It's okay to acne.
It's okay to watch gravity sag your boobs.
It's okay to have uncooperative hair.
It's okay to have cellulite.
It's okay.

I promise you.
It's okay.

I am not saying that I think my body is magazine perfect or that I always have raging self confidence.  BUT I am saying that my body is what I have made it.  I accept it and choose to make the best of it.  I won't let the social rules of what my body is like define what clothes I want to wear or how I feel about myself.  I am not my appearance.

There is a really cool facebook group that sends out a positive message for anyone needing that extra reminder.  You are capable of loving yourself----all of yourself.

Check them out:  https://www.facebook.com/BeautyRedefined

and sometimes you have pizza for breakfast.

Last week I went in to the doctor for a checkup on some things.

Scene: Tiny exam room-late afternoon.  Me sitting in a chair waiting.  Enters doctor.

KNOCK,KNOCK
Doctor:  "You have gained weight"
Me: (mouth drops open) "Why yes I have, thank you for noticing!"
Doctor:  "I haven't even seen your chart yet, but I can see it in your face."

Well there it is folks. 
Now some will think, "HOW RUDE!"
However, my doctor is from a different culture.  In his culture they kind of say it like it is.
And it is like he said.

I have gained some weight.
Not a lot.  But it's there.
On my face.  In my rolls.
Every pound---all 7 of them.

7 isn't a lot....right?  Honestly, they kind of snuck up on me.
How does weight "sneak up" on you, you ask?  Especially when you weigh yourself TWICE daily?
GOOD QUESTION.

You see it's like this...once I saw a pound creep back up I went with the philosophy
"Eh! It will go away.  Let me eat that can of chips! That will help! :)"

That can of chips lead to that chocolate sundae which turned into three nights of fast food which slowly crept up to 7 POUNDS.  I turned a blind eye to this thinking "oh it's just bloating! this too shall pass."

...and then sometimes you have pizza for breakfast and realize...WHOA...Food is DELICIOUS and somehow dangerous again.  AND Wait! How will I squeeze into those bridesmaid dresses I was fitted for last month before the 7 Pound Creep?

CRAP.

Life happens. 
Life ends.
Life gives us choices.
Time to hold my head up and make the right ones.

I blame the pizza.

home

She is HOME.
like her home...where all her stuff is.

This is the most relaxed I have seen her.
...except for when she doesn't remember losing certain family members, and asks when they will be there to see her.

Getting older and getting ill, is scary stuff.
it's sad.
it's hard.


Good news:  she doesn't really remember much.
Good news:  she doesn't really remember or dwell on the fact that she has cancer.
Good news:  she gets to eat and breathe on her own and love her family to her best ability.


Good news:  She will get to be surrounded by love at home til the end.

tough

I watched her eat.
I watched her drink.
I watched her do this by herself.

I watched her move her arms and body to pull her self up.

I heard her talk.
I heard her make sense.
...and not make sense.


I noticed the bald spot from the chemo.


I felt the guilt as she begged us to just bust her out of there...she even bribed us with money. :)
I felt the sadness after she said "I just want to sit on my porch. Just once."
I felt her frustration with me because I just didn't understand what she wanted sometimes.
I felt pure overwhelming happiness because the last time I saw her she was still using oxygen and a feeding tube.  She was not speaking and hardly ever awake.  She could not move the left side of her body at all.


If there is one thing I can take away from all that she (and my other family) has been through:

I come from tough people. 
We don't give up. 
We persevere through the worst.
...we are just awesome like that.

(by the way---I got my cholestrol down.  No meds for this gal!)
***See....we don't give up :)

perspective and prioritizing

right now I am struggling to be able to talk about my little "diet" fiascoes that I cause for myself when I know there is someone in the hospital that just wants to talk on her own.

I get to eat food. REAL food. ANY kind of food I want.
She only gets a tube of food.

I get to GET UP every morning. Walk around, hug my loved ones.  Use all my extremities how I please.
She can't really move at all on her own.


So sure I could be writing about Special K cracker chips or how gross I think Greek yogurt is, but right now those things don't seem to matter much when you compare it to the grand scheme of things.

It seems a little selfish, contrite even, of me to be so concerned with a pound or two when I am so blessed to be UP and LIVING my life as I please.

It's all about prioritizing.
Perspective.
What is important and meaningful?


Now, at some point my perspective will change.
My priorities will shift.
I may even let you know about my favorite craze at the moment.  But I do hope to keep a piece of what all this is teaching me. 

I have a GOOD LIFE.
happy
health
stable
loved
eating
moving
breathing
working
talking
thinking


So what's a pound or two right now, when I have all this to think about and be thankful for?

annnnnd cancer

so pneumonia was the least of our worries.
cancer is.

cancer in her lung.
on her liver.
maybe even the brain.


my uncle died from complications caused by his cancer medication.
my dad's dad died from cancer.
my aunt died from cancer.

...my mom has breast cancer and she is a poster child for early detection.
my cousin's little girl had cancer and is a survivor.


how is it possible that so many of us watch our family members have to go through this awful illness?
Is there really "more cancer" now or are we just better at finding out what is wrong with our family before it is too late?


There are millions of dollars being spent each year to "find a cure" with no cure to be found.  However, there have been plenty of advancements that are helping people find it earlier or get better treatments.


There are lists of SUPER FOODS that are suppose to help you keep cancer away, yet healthy people still get diagnosed with cancer every day.


Cancer isn't picky.  It will pick ANYONE. 
Healthy or sick.
Preventative or Self Inflicting.
Old or young.
Nice or Mean.


Just hold the ones you love.
Watch them closely.
Make sure you don't waste the life you have.



and if the time comes where you might have to cross cancer's long, rocky bridge...

a version of yesterdays blog today

Yesterday, my intentions were to keep it light hearted and discuss the cause effect relationship between hospitals and eating poorly; maybe even post the websites for nutrition information for some fast food places I frequent.  Then the keys got away from me and decided her story was way more important to talk about than my own. 

And that story is still is more important.
She is getting her ventilator removed today.  Really this is up to her at this point.  No one truly know what will happen or even what has happened to her since she has been in there.  I think she is still in there fighting.  We will find out today what is going to happen.  She has responded most to hearing about her grandkids (this is her grandkids and great niece at Culvers---I will get to that in a second).

Some of our family has been in a hotel for a week.  Some of our family has been stranded at home with no way of being there.  Some of our family are states away with only brief phone updates to suffice their need to be with her.  Some of us just travel back and forth as much as they can (the snow stopped me a couple of days).

Regardless of location, age, relationship to her; sister, brother, son, niece, or nephew, I am more than certain of one thing.  None of us are really taking care of ourselves the way we should.  And isn't that ironic?  We are worried and distraught because she is in this position because she doesn't take care of herself the way she should (*and believe me she does NOT take care of herself the way she should pretty much EVER) and yet here we are completely abandoning any sense of what we need to do for our own health.

We aren't sleeping enough or well enough.
We aren't eating the right way or enough.
We are stressed and anxious.
We are, at this point, not listening to our own complaints.
How does one fix that problem?  probably a lot more self control than I have. 

I know that at least 4 times since my husband and I have gone to visit, a proper meal has gone by the way side and fast food has been the replacement.  It was easy.  It was quick.  I am too tired and unfocused to care or deal with any real cooking. I am more than certain deep fried cheese is NOT healthy on any level. So yesterday I took my lunch with me.  Nothing fancy.  A sandwich, pretzels, an orange, and fruit snacks.

...I thought I was going to starve to death.
May that be the stress, the waiting, the dormancy of body I am not completely sure.  I do know that the behaviors we have all been engaging in are not right, but none of us can bring ourselves to fix it right now.

 I guess the main point of all this is:

If we are going to complain about how one doesn't take care of herself----we ALL need to take a long hard look in the mirror and decide---are we taking care of OURSELVES the right way either?

family health

My loving grouchy old Aunt (by the way if you knew her you would know this is a pretty accurate description written with love) has been in the hospital since New Years Eve.  Obviously this lady knows how to party right?

Well, she has a whole load of hereditary health issues (as well as a couple of self inflicted ones) which include:
Congestive Heart Failure
Diabetes and Kidney Failure
Stroke/Heart Attack (At the same time when she was in her 40's)
COPD and Emphysema *caused by YEARS of smoking*

So on top of all these things she deals with daily, she has been really struggling with pneumonia.  In the last year alone she has been hospitalized for it at least 3 times.  She is 68 but hasn't been a healthy woman since her 30's.   Well after her admission into the hospital this time things got more severe than any of the other stays.  By Thursday, she had to decide if she was willing to go on a ventilator for support with her breathing.  She agreed so she has been sedated and trying to get better for this last week.

For an old lady with a LOT of problems, she's not doing half bad.
This said, she could probably be doing much better also.

I just didn't know how serious pneumonia was to older people.
It's eye opening to see this process not only once, but twice.
my uncle joe died from pneumonia two years ago.
...she is his sister. 

BUT today is the day they start to see if she can pick back up on breathing by herself.
today is the day they see if this tough bird has beaten the odd...again.
She's pretty stubborn---so really this is an anything goes kind of game.
...she has too much nagging left to do.



***My personal reflection***
I haphazardly try to take care of my health and often think about the potentially impending family genetic traits that could be headed my way...it's terrifying.  It's terrifying for those family members enduring those conditions now and for those of us who may have to endure those issues later.

so I will try not to dwell too much on the future.

Lasagna Soup

1 pound Ground Turkey
1/2 cup chopped onion
2 garlic cloves
1 tsp Italian seasoning
1tsp Red Pepper Flakes (can omit if you want)
Salt and Pepper to taste
4 Cups Chicken Broth
4 TBSP Tomato Paste
1 can diced tomatoes
1-2 cups Any Smart Taste OR Dream Fields Noodles
(these two brands have higher fiber content than all other noodles so they balance out better than regular pasta.)

1/2 cup Cottage cheese
1/4 cup Shredded  Italian Cheese
 (this makes enough topping for 4 cups/bowls)

Brown the turkey meat in your stock pot (or the REALLY big pot you have in your cabinet)
Add your onions and garlic and cook til onions are translucent.
Add you seasonings, chicken broth, tomatoes, and tomato paste.  Stir together and bring to a boil.
Add your noodles and simmer for 10-20 minutes OR until noodles are cooked to your desired liking.

PREHEAT your oven to 375*
Place 1-2 cups (depending on your cup/bowl size) of soup into OVEN SAFE cups/bowls
Mix cottage cheese and cheese together and put a spoonful of mixture on top of the soup.
Sprinkle a little extra cheese on top
(*May want to place your cups/bowls onto a cookie sheet to avoid spillage)
Put in the oven for 20 minutes or until cheese is melted
YUM~!



I found this recipe on pinterest and changed it to my liking and needs.  I changed the meat to turkey, oregano to Italian seasoning, added more tomato paste, type of noodles, etc.   So you can change any of the ingredients to make it your own, too.

It was great for a cold night.
(and I don't think it was half bad for us on a nutritional level either!)

when life gives you snow...

make snow cream!  My husband had NEVER had snow ice cream before and saw a recipe on facebook so we mad some this afternoon.  Of course we used the "lighter" version of ingredients (mainly because it's all we have!)

Snow Cream
5-7 cups of CLEAN fresh fallen snow  (original recipe calls for 4, but it was more like snow soup)
1 cup Fat Free MIlk
1/4 cup Splenda
1 tsp Vanilla extract

Mix together with a fork and enjoy a neat snow day treat!


With the 10-12 inches we have gotten today out our house, we have plenty of snow to make snow cream!

 

I have a good wreath on my door for January ;)
Snow love from my house to yours!

Not yo' gramma's Peach Cobbler

2 pounds FROZEN Peaches (you could use any frozen fruit you wanted!)
1 Yellow Cake Mix
1 12oz can of DIET Citrus Soda (I used sprite zero, but when my cousin Christina made this she used Diet Mt. Dew)

Preheat oven to 350*
Spray 9x13 pan with olive oil and even place your frozen peaches in the bottom.
Sprinkle on the DRY cake mix across the peaches.
Even pour the soda all over the top of the cake mix and peaches.  It will fizz a bit (which I thought was kinda neat!)

Cover the pan with foil and bake for 20 minutes.
Remove pan from oven, remove the foil and bake for another 40 minutes.

Let cool just a bit before eating :)
This cobbler serves 8 people and is only 349calories and 7g fat  per serving.
(Traditional cobbler serves 12 and has 419calories with 10g fat per serving)

Sweetness with a little less regret :)


*This is an official "Weight Watchers" recipe

If you change nothing, nothing will change

So a new year always calls for changes. Changes that will be hard to keep. 
Change is just hard.


...why is that? 


Even when we know the current path we are on is not in our best interest we press on to avoid dealing with all the changes that ensue afterwards.

Follow through is rough.
Consistency is fleeting.
Turning back (not continuing) is our first default setting.


It is odd that this post stemmed from making some cute changes on my blog page.  Changing the format, the background, the fonts.  It was fun choosing all the new images and colors.  I was thinking to myself, "Change is always needed." 


So then why can't I completely change my eating habits?  No more junk. Less Processed foods.
Why can't I change my sedentary choices to active ones?  I mean really, is taking a walk that difficult?
WHY CAN'T I CHANGE WITHOUT HAVING TO TURN BACK?


I guess I answered my own question.  Change itself is not hard.  Change is always needed, is fun to think about, and easy to get started.

...It's the follow through that is hard.  Follow through takes time, energy, and patience.

Perhaps this is what I should focus on accomplishing. 
Not focusing on the change itself, but focus on the follow through of the changes that need to happen.

New Year!

Well I successfully made it through the holiday season with a weight gain total of:::::::: 4 pounds.

From Thanksgiving to Christmas (meaning from pies to cookies) I was able to do a decent job of controlling myself.

Clearly NO weight gained would have proven extreme control but really we all know that wasn't going to happen.

However, I feel as though 4 pounds is a decent number.  Usually this time of year I would have packed on at least 10 if not more.  I am pleased with the 4 pound gain because that will be much easier to get rid of instead of my typical 10.

Here's to a new year.
new struggles.
new triumphs.
new health risks.
new solutions.
new motivation.
new stress.
new remedies.

Take it one day at a time.

Take time to take time for myself.

Take care of what NEEDS to be taken care of (instead of what I WANT to be taken care of).

HAPPY NEW YEAR!!!