home

She is HOME.
like her home...where all her stuff is.

This is the most relaxed I have seen her.
...except for when she doesn't remember losing certain family members, and asks when they will be there to see her.

Getting older and getting ill, is scary stuff.
it's sad.
it's hard.


Good news:  she doesn't really remember much.
Good news:  she doesn't really remember or dwell on the fact that she has cancer.
Good news:  she gets to eat and breathe on her own and love her family to her best ability.


Good news:  She will get to be surrounded by love at home til the end.

tough

I watched her eat.
I watched her drink.
I watched her do this by herself.

I watched her move her arms and body to pull her self up.

I heard her talk.
I heard her make sense.
...and not make sense.


I noticed the bald spot from the chemo.


I felt the guilt as she begged us to just bust her out of there...she even bribed us with money. :)
I felt the sadness after she said "I just want to sit on my porch. Just once."
I felt her frustration with me because I just didn't understand what she wanted sometimes.
I felt pure overwhelming happiness because the last time I saw her she was still using oxygen and a feeding tube.  She was not speaking and hardly ever awake.  She could not move the left side of her body at all.


If there is one thing I can take away from all that she (and my other family) has been through:

I come from tough people. 
We don't give up. 
We persevere through the worst.
...we are just awesome like that.

(by the way---I got my cholestrol down.  No meds for this gal!)
***See....we don't give up :)