The mirror

 I look in the mirror and I don't see my double chin (*as much) anymore.

I look in the mirror and I feel like my waist slowly appearing again.

I look in the mirror and I see my skin clearing up slowly.

I look in the mirror and I can't imagine how I ever thought I was too fat at 160 pounds.  I long to feel that small again.

I look in the mirror and I find the wrinkles appearing on my forehead and the crows feet at the corners of my eyes.

I look in the mirror and I don't see that fresh teen face I used to have.  I see a face that somehow, without my knowledge or consent, has aged.  Dark, puffy circles under my eyes and tired appearance... ven when I am fully rested.

I look in the mirror and I wonder when the last time I tweezed my eyebrows was....but I will wait for another day so I will have clean eyes for a special occasion.

I look in the mirror and I wish this body hadn't gotten so out of control so quickly because it is taking way more energy to fix it that it took to make it.

I look in the mirror and I look into my mom's eyes.  My dad's round face.  My genes that are assisting me in my body's journey to weight gain and aging.

I look in the mirror and I am oddly satisfied for today. 
hard to believe I know.

I am oddly satisfied with how I look today because I can see the progress I have made. 

I can't change the wrinkles. 
I can't take the puffy, dark circles away (*Even though Loreal makeup claims it can). 

I can embrace that I am growing into a new body...because these woman hips won't ever fit in those hip hugging college jeans.

I can discover a new lifestyle.  One with age wrinkle creams and watching the foods I eat.  And not just as I am eating them.

I look in the mirror and I am beginning to accept me. 
Jiggly arms. 
Spare tire. 
Extra chin. 
Crows feet. 
Dark circles. 
Woman hips. 
They are all part of me now. 

I look in the mirror and things don't seem so bad this morning.

I feel...

20 minutes--bike: 5 miles
10 minutes--treadmill: 1/2 mile
10 minutes--push ups/crunches: 3 sets of 10 each
20 minutes--weights-legs and arms: 5 machines, 3 sets of 10 each

I feel oddly restful. (does that mean I may pass out later?...maybe.) 
I feel proud of my motivation (I watched "Say Yes to the Dress" to keep me focused)
I feel accomplished of what I did at the gym today.

And I know with all that I did today, I am REALLY gonna feel it in the morning.

Power

I believe I made a milestone accomplishment today.

I said NO to a cookie.

Talk about shocked.

I refused the deliciousness of a cookie all in the name of the all mighty Wedding dress.

Who knew a dress could hold such power over a person?

This is just the first NO in a long line of other NO's I will be doling out until September 3.

At the reception, snakes and skunks couldn't keep me away from the dessert table.

...okay...maybe those things might, but if someone stands in my way too long they might lose a hand.
I'm just sayin.

success smells like pudding to me

Made omelets this morning. 

The husband-to-be had a 3 egg omelet with peppers, onions, mushrooms, and cheese with a side of lightly fried ham.   I had a 2 egg white omelet with fat free cheese, onions, peppers, mushrooms, and 2 slices of fat free turkey.  I am pretty sure I may be just as full as he is. 

We had a big salad with leftover lasagna last night (THANK GOODNESS it is out of the fridge now).

On a side note, I lost one more pound.  I am so close to 179 pounds I can smell it. 
Oddly enough, it smells like pudding.

I have found that sugar free pudding and jello has been my savior this week.  Allowing me to feel sinful, while really staying miraculously on track.

THANK YOU Snack Packs. 
Thank you, for being there for me as a child and as an adult.

weight: 184

Deep Dish Lasagna

There is a deep dish homemade Lasagna in the fridge.

I'm pretty sure it's delicious.
...I bet it tastes even better since it is cold and the flavors have settled in together overnight.

There are two rows left in the dish.
I bet if I got my paws on it, I would look something similar to Garfield the cat when he got a pan of lasagna in front of him.

So I will continue to stay in the living room, mere steps away from the kitchen, occupying my time with tv shows, wedding projects, and coffee. 

Even though it's a low fat lasagna.

Made with ground turkey, fat free cottage cheese, fat free mozzarella, and low calorie sauce.

FOCUS. FOCUS. FOCUS.

weight=185

ZIPPED UP

So I have a confession. 
...which is fitting since my blog is clearly titled that I have a lot to confess in this dieting game.

I have been losing for a very specific reason.   The dress I bought....wouldn't zip.

I finally submitted defeat. 
Waved the giant white granny panty flag.

I took my dress in to be altered.  I was going to have a lace up back put into the dress because in 3 weeks on weight watchers I have only lost 4 pounds.  I had higher expectations, I will admit.  I thought I would lose more.  I suppose I am losing the expected amount, but with everyone else around me losing weight hand over fist, I wanted to see dramatic results too. 

Dramatic results occurred when the seamstress zipped my dress. 
And not just mid-way up.  --ALL the way up.

I no longer had a 3 inch gap in the dress.  How is this possible you ask? 
...I don't know.  At this time I am not questioning it rather I am embracing it.   Sometimes the Wedding Gods just throw you a bone and you simply bow in their presence of tulle and ribbons.   I didn't so much bow as squeal and dance around a bit.

This dress news did give me renewed motivation to continue strong even though the results are minimal.  



In other news: 
I do not recommend Campbell's LIGH Chicken Gumbo soup.  I could have chewed on my foot and it would have tasted better.  After 3 spoons full, it was poured down the drain.   Diet or no diet, I am not subjecting myself to that.

Don't get me wrong: I'm pretty

I'm not gonna lie.  I don't see myself as a "Fat chick."

Chubby, yes.

Fluffier than most?  You betcha.

THEN something happens that takes your frame of mind and boggles it. 

While I should be celebrating how killer awesome we look (**like I did in the other 700 pictures!) I can't help but focusing on these two things.  These two things consume me.  These two things have made me realize that I have the classic signatures of a true fat girl. 
**I have the big flabby chicken wing arms with the crease that goes all the way across at the elbow. 
**I have the wide thighs and excess skin around the knees when my legs aren't extended. 
**I am way thicker across my mid-section than I feel.

None of these things I have noticed until these pictures came about.  I have taken on a whole new outlook on what I need to be doing to shape my body.  I am refocusing.  Up till this point I have been solely concentrating on burning the fat with cardio. Tonight we went into the gym and we integrated weights into our workout.  

...and I'm talkin about the 7 pound dumbbells. 
Yeah, I'm hardcore like that.

In other AWESOME news...
--my gym owner is awesome.  He was helpful, excited, and encouraging when he learned of our wedding news.  He isn't judgmental about your size, but he doesn't sugar coat the facts.   That's refreshing.

--My handsome hubby-to-be is SUPER awesome.  Not only does he accompany me to the gym and support me in my weight watchers lifestyle, he has even said he wants to do it with me.  He is going to be there for me every way he can, and that means the world to a starving girl.  He also got competitive with me in the gym today.  It was cool to add that element into our workout.  We pushed ourselves harder by trying to keep up with one another.  In a nut shell, he's awesome.

--Less awesome news---
I haven't lost another stinkin pound. not even one silly little pound. 
...but I won't stop trying.

Snacks and Soda Pop

Americans eat roughly 570 calories more per day than they did in the 1970s, according to a new study. While supersize portions are partly to blame, steady snacking is the bigger culprit.

"We're a generation of constant eaters," said Barry Popkin, distinguished professor of nutrition at the University of North Carolina at Chapel Hill. Popkin used surveys to probe the American diet since 1977. Americans began eating more in the '80s and '90s, but in recent years, they've begun eating and drinking more often -- like almost all the time.  "It used to be you'd have three meals a day. And if you snacked, it was unsweetened tea or coffee," said Popkin. "Nowadays, everywhere you turn there's food. If you're driving, you have a big bag of Doritos next to you while you drive."
 
More than one-quarter of adults in the United States are obese, according to a 2010 report from the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention -- a proportion that has steadily grown over the past 30 years as Americans tend to "eat more and do less," said Dr. David Katz, director of the Yale University Prevention Research Center

 

"We joke about the 'see food' diet. We see food and we eat it," said Katz, explaining how Americans have come to expect food at every turn. "People panic at the thought of spending a couple of hours somewhere where there might not be refreshments on hand."

Despite their growing obsession with food, fewer Americans are willing to sit down and enjoy it.

"We're no longer eating at a table with a knife and fork," said Keith Ayoob, director of the Rose R. Kennedy Center Nutrition Clinic at Albert Einstein College in New York City. "As a society, we think it takes too long to eat a bowl of cereal. We want a breakfast you can hold in one hand."

As a result, Americans choose foods that are loaded with flavor and calories for immediate gratification, only to feel hungry again an hour or two later.

But it's not just salty foods that are expanding the nation's waistline. Sugary drinks like soda, fruit juice and sweetened coffees pack on the pounds too.  "We're drinking ourselves to death," Popkin said. "Several hundred of these extra calories are coming just from drinks."  Popkin said he hopes the study will be an eye-opener for people who might not realize how many calories they're consuming.

"We have to focus a lot more attention on cutting down how often we eat if we're truly going to do something about this as a society," he said. But in a world where people are perpetually bombarded by food and drink advertising, it won't be easy.

"We don't need to have food every couple hours, so we need to change the environment so that we don't encounter food everywhere we go," said Katz, adding that a little willpower can go a long way.


www.goodmorningamerica.com

Heidi Montag

My momma always said, if you don't have anything nice to say--don't say anything.

So that explains the break in blogging. 
I honestly had nothing but complaints and nagging to express.

I have officially been on weight watchers one full week.  I have lost two pounds.  Barely.

I have vigorously counted points.  I have been strategically planning food consumption to make the most of what I can have.  It's really not that hard.  Portion size is by far the most difficult part. 

...then again I am lucky that I actually like the taste of  vegetables. 

My total downfall is exercise.  We went to the gym one day out of the seven.  I went 4.5 miles on the bike and .5 on the treadmill to wrap it up. 

***Literally as I am typing about my lack of physical exercise, Good Morning America is announcing that there are people who exercise too much.  Heidi Montag exercises 14 hours per DAY!!!!!  I was exhausted after 30 minutes.   I would also like to add in at this moment that I in no way shape or form want to look like Heidi Montag nor look to her as a role model of physical fitness.  It was just ironic that as I claim that lack of exercise is my burden, other people may have the burden of being obsessed with exercise and a need to be thin.

While on the topic of Heidi Montag and her obsession with looks and weight lets get some things straight about me. 
--I will never be 110 pounds with a rockin hot bod.  It's not my body type and quite frankly I love food way too much and love sitting way too much. 
--I will always struggle with my weight. 
--I will go through phases where it bothers me more than others. 
--I will unfortunately become obsessed with the topic of weight loss when I am going through one of these phases.  Regardless if I am actually successful at it or not.
--I will always choose a cupcake over a carrot.
--I will always think I am pretty, even when I am fat.
--I will always be harsher on myself because I know I can do better.

With all that said, I will continue my day trying to do better than I have done the day before. 
...counting my points.  telling myself I need to get up and do something.
....while continuing to sit and contemplate what I should do. 
....and most likely end up sitting to work on wedding stuff. 
...even though mockingly, the wedding is the reason why I should be up and out and doing something.

I welcome my day

with some pretty hardcore anxiety and pressure to do well my first day on the new program, I totally flopped.  I had an "ok" type of day, but then had spaghetti, meatballs, garlic toast for dinner.

...and then again before bed.
PLUS a piece of chocolate cake.

I am a danger to myself and others.

SO after stuffing myself sooooo full and realizing just how poorly I did yesterday (39points OVER my allotted balance of 25), I woke up with a new outlook.  Wanna know my new outlook???

If I don't lose some weight, I will continue to look pregnant.
Which is bad....especially seeing as how I am NOT pregnant.

So this morning I have awoken to create a 3 egg white omelet complete with peppers, mushrooms, onions, and topped with 2 tbsp of salsa.  Not gonna lie---it was delicious.

With a new attitude included, I welcome my day.  I welcome my day and give myself well wishes not to become overwhelmed by the vast amount of information and not to give into my pantry of evil (yet delicious) foods.  Today I will create meals and snacks, record their points, so that when the hunger strikes I can make good informed choices instead of hasty tasty choices.

we will be taking our official engagement pictures in ONE week.  I would like to at least put a dent in the current Pop-belly I am toting around.
I know I won't perform miracles this next week.
I know my dreams of being anything smaller than a size 12 are long gone.

BUT I don't think it is too much to ask to reduce the pudge that so kindly makes people take a second look to decide if I am a girl "with child" or just a chubby chick in a moo-moo.  

That's right folks, the Dieting Drama queen is on a mission today.   So you best recognize that she is hungry, focused, and on the move!

Weight: 189.4