The mirror

 I look in the mirror and I don't see my double chin (*as much) anymore.

I look in the mirror and I feel like my waist slowly appearing again.

I look in the mirror and I see my skin clearing up slowly.

I look in the mirror and I can't imagine how I ever thought I was too fat at 160 pounds.  I long to feel that small again.

I look in the mirror and I find the wrinkles appearing on my forehead and the crows feet at the corners of my eyes.

I look in the mirror and I don't see that fresh teen face I used to have.  I see a face that somehow, without my knowledge or consent, has aged.  Dark, puffy circles under my eyes and tired appearance... ven when I am fully rested.

I look in the mirror and I wonder when the last time I tweezed my eyebrows was....but I will wait for another day so I will have clean eyes for a special occasion.

I look in the mirror and I wish this body hadn't gotten so out of control so quickly because it is taking way more energy to fix it that it took to make it.

I look in the mirror and I look into my mom's eyes.  My dad's round face.  My genes that are assisting me in my body's journey to weight gain and aging.

I look in the mirror and I am oddly satisfied for today. 
hard to believe I know.

I am oddly satisfied with how I look today because I can see the progress I have made. 

I can't change the wrinkles. 
I can't take the puffy, dark circles away (*Even though Loreal makeup claims it can). 

I can embrace that I am growing into a new body...because these woman hips won't ever fit in those hip hugging college jeans.

I can discover a new lifestyle.  One with age wrinkle creams and watching the foods I eat.  And not just as I am eating them.

I look in the mirror and I am beginning to accept me. 
Jiggly arms. 
Spare tire. 
Extra chin. 
Crows feet. 
Dark circles. 
Woman hips. 
They are all part of me now. 

I look in the mirror and things don't seem so bad this morning.

I feel...

20 minutes--bike: 5 miles
10 minutes--treadmill: 1/2 mile
10 minutes--push ups/crunches: 3 sets of 10 each
20 minutes--weights-legs and arms: 5 machines, 3 sets of 10 each

I feel oddly restful. (does that mean I may pass out later?...maybe.) 
I feel proud of my motivation (I watched "Say Yes to the Dress" to keep me focused)
I feel accomplished of what I did at the gym today.

And I know with all that I did today, I am REALLY gonna feel it in the morning.

Power

I believe I made a milestone accomplishment today.

I said NO to a cookie.

Talk about shocked.

I refused the deliciousness of a cookie all in the name of the all mighty Wedding dress.

Who knew a dress could hold such power over a person?

This is just the first NO in a long line of other NO's I will be doling out until September 3.

At the reception, snakes and skunks couldn't keep me away from the dessert table.

...okay...maybe those things might, but if someone stands in my way too long they might lose a hand.
I'm just sayin.

success smells like pudding to me

Made omelets this morning. 

The husband-to-be had a 3 egg omelet with peppers, onions, mushrooms, and cheese with a side of lightly fried ham.   I had a 2 egg white omelet with fat free cheese, onions, peppers, mushrooms, and 2 slices of fat free turkey.  I am pretty sure I may be just as full as he is. 

We had a big salad with leftover lasagna last night (THANK GOODNESS it is out of the fridge now).

On a side note, I lost one more pound.  I am so close to 179 pounds I can smell it. 
Oddly enough, it smells like pudding.

I have found that sugar free pudding and jello has been my savior this week.  Allowing me to feel sinful, while really staying miraculously on track.

THANK YOU Snack Packs. 
Thank you, for being there for me as a child and as an adult.

weight: 184

Deep Dish Lasagna

There is a deep dish homemade Lasagna in the fridge.

I'm pretty sure it's delicious.
...I bet it tastes even better since it is cold and the flavors have settled in together overnight.

There are two rows left in the dish.
I bet if I got my paws on it, I would look something similar to Garfield the cat when he got a pan of lasagna in front of him.

So I will continue to stay in the living room, mere steps away from the kitchen, occupying my time with tv shows, wedding projects, and coffee. 

Even though it's a low fat lasagna.

Made with ground turkey, fat free cottage cheese, fat free mozzarella, and low calorie sauce.

FOCUS. FOCUS. FOCUS.

weight=185

ZIPPED UP

So I have a confession. 
...which is fitting since my blog is clearly titled that I have a lot to confess in this dieting game.

I have been losing for a very specific reason.   The dress I bought....wouldn't zip.

I finally submitted defeat. 
Waved the giant white granny panty flag.

I took my dress in to be altered.  I was going to have a lace up back put into the dress because in 3 weeks on weight watchers I have only lost 4 pounds.  I had higher expectations, I will admit.  I thought I would lose more.  I suppose I am losing the expected amount, but with everyone else around me losing weight hand over fist, I wanted to see dramatic results too. 

Dramatic results occurred when the seamstress zipped my dress. 
And not just mid-way up.  --ALL the way up.

I no longer had a 3 inch gap in the dress.  How is this possible you ask? 
...I don't know.  At this time I am not questioning it rather I am embracing it.   Sometimes the Wedding Gods just throw you a bone and you simply bow in their presence of tulle and ribbons.   I didn't so much bow as squeal and dance around a bit.

This dress news did give me renewed motivation to continue strong even though the results are minimal.  



In other news: 
I do not recommend Campbell's LIGH Chicken Gumbo soup.  I could have chewed on my foot and it would have tasted better.  After 3 spoons full, it was poured down the drain.   Diet or no diet, I am not subjecting myself to that.

Don't get me wrong: I'm pretty

I'm not gonna lie.  I don't see myself as a "Fat chick."

Chubby, yes.

Fluffier than most?  You betcha.

THEN something happens that takes your frame of mind and boggles it. 

While I should be celebrating how killer awesome we look (**like I did in the other 700 pictures!) I can't help but focusing on these two things.  These two things consume me.  These two things have made me realize that I have the classic signatures of a true fat girl. 
**I have the big flabby chicken wing arms with the crease that goes all the way across at the elbow. 
**I have the wide thighs and excess skin around the knees when my legs aren't extended. 
**I am way thicker across my mid-section than I feel.

None of these things I have noticed until these pictures came about.  I have taken on a whole new outlook on what I need to be doing to shape my body.  I am refocusing.  Up till this point I have been solely concentrating on burning the fat with cardio. Tonight we went into the gym and we integrated weights into our workout.  

...and I'm talkin about the 7 pound dumbbells. 
Yeah, I'm hardcore like that.

In other AWESOME news...
--my gym owner is awesome.  He was helpful, excited, and encouraging when he learned of our wedding news.  He isn't judgmental about your size, but he doesn't sugar coat the facts.   That's refreshing.

--My handsome hubby-to-be is SUPER awesome.  Not only does he accompany me to the gym and support me in my weight watchers lifestyle, he has even said he wants to do it with me.  He is going to be there for me every way he can, and that means the world to a starving girl.  He also got competitive with me in the gym today.  It was cool to add that element into our workout.  We pushed ourselves harder by trying to keep up with one another.  In a nut shell, he's awesome.

--Less awesome news---
I haven't lost another stinkin pound. not even one silly little pound. 
...but I won't stop trying.