and sometimes you have pizza for breakfast.

Last week I went in to the doctor for a checkup on some things.

Scene: Tiny exam room-late afternoon.  Me sitting in a chair waiting.  Enters doctor.

KNOCK,KNOCK
Doctor:  "You have gained weight"
Me: (mouth drops open) "Why yes I have, thank you for noticing!"
Doctor:  "I haven't even seen your chart yet, but I can see it in your face."

Well there it is folks. 
Now some will think, "HOW RUDE!"
However, my doctor is from a different culture.  In his culture they kind of say it like it is.
And it is like he said.

I have gained some weight.
Not a lot.  But it's there.
On my face.  In my rolls.
Every pound---all 7 of them.

7 isn't a lot....right?  Honestly, they kind of snuck up on me.
How does weight "sneak up" on you, you ask?  Especially when you weigh yourself TWICE daily?
GOOD QUESTION.

You see it's like this...once I saw a pound creep back up I went with the philosophy
"Eh! It will go away.  Let me eat that can of chips! That will help! :)"

That can of chips lead to that chocolate sundae which turned into three nights of fast food which slowly crept up to 7 POUNDS.  I turned a blind eye to this thinking "oh it's just bloating! this too shall pass."

...and then sometimes you have pizza for breakfast and realize...WHOA...Food is DELICIOUS and somehow dangerous again.  AND Wait! How will I squeeze into those bridesmaid dresses I was fitted for last month before the 7 Pound Creep?

CRAP.

Life happens. 
Life ends.
Life gives us choices.
Time to hold my head up and make the right ones.

I blame the pizza.

home

She is HOME.
like her home...where all her stuff is.

This is the most relaxed I have seen her.
...except for when she doesn't remember losing certain family members, and asks when they will be there to see her.

Getting older and getting ill, is scary stuff.
it's sad.
it's hard.


Good news:  she doesn't really remember much.
Good news:  she doesn't really remember or dwell on the fact that she has cancer.
Good news:  she gets to eat and breathe on her own and love her family to her best ability.


Good news:  She will get to be surrounded by love at home til the end.

tough

I watched her eat.
I watched her drink.
I watched her do this by herself.

I watched her move her arms and body to pull her self up.

I heard her talk.
I heard her make sense.
...and not make sense.


I noticed the bald spot from the chemo.


I felt the guilt as she begged us to just bust her out of there...she even bribed us with money. :)
I felt the sadness after she said "I just want to sit on my porch. Just once."
I felt her frustration with me because I just didn't understand what she wanted sometimes.
I felt pure overwhelming happiness because the last time I saw her she was still using oxygen and a feeding tube.  She was not speaking and hardly ever awake.  She could not move the left side of her body at all.


If there is one thing I can take away from all that she (and my other family) has been through:

I come from tough people. 
We don't give up. 
We persevere through the worst.
...we are just awesome like that.

(by the way---I got my cholestrol down.  No meds for this gal!)
***See....we don't give up :)

perspective and prioritizing

right now I am struggling to be able to talk about my little "diet" fiascoes that I cause for myself when I know there is someone in the hospital that just wants to talk on her own.

I get to eat food. REAL food. ANY kind of food I want.
She only gets a tube of food.

I get to GET UP every morning. Walk around, hug my loved ones.  Use all my extremities how I please.
She can't really move at all on her own.


So sure I could be writing about Special K cracker chips or how gross I think Greek yogurt is, but right now those things don't seem to matter much when you compare it to the grand scheme of things.

It seems a little selfish, contrite even, of me to be so concerned with a pound or two when I am so blessed to be UP and LIVING my life as I please.

It's all about prioritizing.
Perspective.
What is important and meaningful?


Now, at some point my perspective will change.
My priorities will shift.
I may even let you know about my favorite craze at the moment.  But I do hope to keep a piece of what all this is teaching me. 

I have a GOOD LIFE.
happy
health
stable
loved
eating
moving
breathing
working
talking
thinking


So what's a pound or two right now, when I have all this to think about and be thankful for?

annnnnd cancer

so pneumonia was the least of our worries.
cancer is.

cancer in her lung.
on her liver.
maybe even the brain.


my uncle died from complications caused by his cancer medication.
my dad's dad died from cancer.
my aunt died from cancer.

...my mom has breast cancer and she is a poster child for early detection.
my cousin's little girl had cancer and is a survivor.


how is it possible that so many of us watch our family members have to go through this awful illness?
Is there really "more cancer" now or are we just better at finding out what is wrong with our family before it is too late?


There are millions of dollars being spent each year to "find a cure" with no cure to be found.  However, there have been plenty of advancements that are helping people find it earlier or get better treatments.


There are lists of SUPER FOODS that are suppose to help you keep cancer away, yet healthy people still get diagnosed with cancer every day.


Cancer isn't picky.  It will pick ANYONE. 
Healthy or sick.
Preventative or Self Inflicting.
Old or young.
Nice or Mean.


Just hold the ones you love.
Watch them closely.
Make sure you don't waste the life you have.



and if the time comes where you might have to cross cancer's long, rocky bridge...

a version of yesterdays blog today

Yesterday, my intentions were to keep it light hearted and discuss the cause effect relationship between hospitals and eating poorly; maybe even post the websites for nutrition information for some fast food places I frequent.  Then the keys got away from me and decided her story was way more important to talk about than my own. 

And that story is still is more important.
She is getting her ventilator removed today.  Really this is up to her at this point.  No one truly know what will happen or even what has happened to her since she has been in there.  I think she is still in there fighting.  We will find out today what is going to happen.  She has responded most to hearing about her grandkids (this is her grandkids and great niece at Culvers---I will get to that in a second).

Some of our family has been in a hotel for a week.  Some of our family has been stranded at home with no way of being there.  Some of our family are states away with only brief phone updates to suffice their need to be with her.  Some of us just travel back and forth as much as they can (the snow stopped me a couple of days).

Regardless of location, age, relationship to her; sister, brother, son, niece, or nephew, I am more than certain of one thing.  None of us are really taking care of ourselves the way we should.  And isn't that ironic?  We are worried and distraught because she is in this position because she doesn't take care of herself the way she should (*and believe me she does NOT take care of herself the way she should pretty much EVER) and yet here we are completely abandoning any sense of what we need to do for our own health.

We aren't sleeping enough or well enough.
We aren't eating the right way or enough.
We are stressed and anxious.
We are, at this point, not listening to our own complaints.
How does one fix that problem?  probably a lot more self control than I have. 

I know that at least 4 times since my husband and I have gone to visit, a proper meal has gone by the way side and fast food has been the replacement.  It was easy.  It was quick.  I am too tired and unfocused to care or deal with any real cooking. I am more than certain deep fried cheese is NOT healthy on any level. So yesterday I took my lunch with me.  Nothing fancy.  A sandwich, pretzels, an orange, and fruit snacks.

...I thought I was going to starve to death.
May that be the stress, the waiting, the dormancy of body I am not completely sure.  I do know that the behaviors we have all been engaging in are not right, but none of us can bring ourselves to fix it right now.

 I guess the main point of all this is:

If we are going to complain about how one doesn't take care of herself----we ALL need to take a long hard look in the mirror and decide---are we taking care of OURSELVES the right way either?

family health

My loving grouchy old Aunt (by the way if you knew her you would know this is a pretty accurate description written with love) has been in the hospital since New Years Eve.  Obviously this lady knows how to party right?

Well, she has a whole load of hereditary health issues (as well as a couple of self inflicted ones) which include:
Congestive Heart Failure
Diabetes and Kidney Failure
Stroke/Heart Attack (At the same time when she was in her 40's)
COPD and Emphysema *caused by YEARS of smoking*

So on top of all these things she deals with daily, she has been really struggling with pneumonia.  In the last year alone she has been hospitalized for it at least 3 times.  She is 68 but hasn't been a healthy woman since her 30's.   Well after her admission into the hospital this time things got more severe than any of the other stays.  By Thursday, she had to decide if she was willing to go on a ventilator for support with her breathing.  She agreed so she has been sedated and trying to get better for this last week.

For an old lady with a LOT of problems, she's not doing half bad.
This said, she could probably be doing much better also.

I just didn't know how serious pneumonia was to older people.
It's eye opening to see this process not only once, but twice.
my uncle joe died from pneumonia two years ago.
...she is his sister. 

BUT today is the day they start to see if she can pick back up on breathing by herself.
today is the day they see if this tough bird has beaten the odd...again.
She's pretty stubborn---so really this is an anything goes kind of game.
...she has too much nagging left to do.



***My personal reflection***
I haphazardly try to take care of my health and often think about the potentially impending family genetic traits that could be headed my way...it's terrifying.  It's terrifying for those family members enduring those conditions now and for those of us who may have to endure those issues later.

so I will try not to dwell too much on the future.