after all this is where I go to confess

Dear friends forgive me for I have sinned.  I have let life, health, and excuses take me right back to where I started over a year ago.  I have let food become my secret again.

I mean really? How can you add weight so quickly when it takes you so long to take it off?  It makes no sense to me.

But whether or not it makes sense, that is how it happens.  In the blink of an eye (or slowly over the course of two months) I have added 16 pounds back to my body.

That's a bowling ball.
A small dog.
16 packages of hamburger.

No wonder I'm tired...Exhausted really.
I get winded walking up the stairs in our apartment. But if you had to carry an extra bowling ball up and down the stairs every time you used them, it would get tiring.

Today is the day I take back my routine.  We threw out all the desserts.  We emptied out the fridge. My arch nemesis,the little bags of delicious chips, are still in the cabinet but I must have control because they are for my husband's lunch (not that it stopped me before!)

The hardest part will be:
finding the energy to cook healthy meals when all I want to do is just sit down.
motivating myself to walk (or do ANYTHING) when all I want to do is just sit down.
using self control when I want to continuously snack or binge.

If you have committed food sins and need to repent, please join me this year to kick those nasty habits...again.

something's off...

ROCKED IT.
I bought that bikini top.
I wore that bikini top.
BEST DAY EVER. 

I felt comfortable and confident.  No one was looking or making fun.  They were all buys living their own lives to notice that a chubby chick was wearing a two piece bathing suit.  We hold ourselves back.  And that's just silly.

I don't have a problem with my confidence (*most days---even the most positive people can have an off day every now and then).  So please don't mistake the rest of this post as me complaining about gaining weight because it makes me LOOK different.  That is not my intention.  My quam with my recent gain is because it has made me FEEL different.

In the last week I have put on 9 pounds.
NINE POUNDS.
in a week.

How do you even gain 9 pounds in a week?  Something's off.  I don't know how or why or what is going on.  My body feels heavy. Bloated. Hungry but Nauseated. Tired. My brain is even fuzzy and I have had a lot of headaches. (and no...I'm not pregnant.)

I am hoping that going back to work this week will help something. I don't know what it would be helping, but maybe?  All I know is that something's gotta give. 

SOUTH

Clearwater Beach, FL my first vacation EVER:)

Pass Christian, MS in December after Katrina

         

Cocoa Beach, FL after a week at Disney

Galveston, TX with my Aunt and Uncle

New Orleans, LA on our "honeymoon" trip

As you can see, every few years I have been compelled to go so far south that I am surrounded by sand, palm trees, and water.  I get the "itch".  The travel bug.  The NEED to be somewhere else to take my cares away.  This year is no different than the others.  We are going to Gulf Shores, MS and I couldn't be more ecstatic!

I haven't realized at the time of these vacations but I have honestly been very lucky and blessed to have been able to go on these trips.  I have always had just enough money to make these trips happen.  I have always had just the right people to go with.  It has always just worked out.

Now usually I get all up in arms about how I look because I want to look nice in pictures and obviously, look nice in the dreaded swim suit.  This year I have taken a different approach.

I have decided if size zeros can wear it...so can I. 
BEWARE---my beach photos are going to look VERY different this year :)


I am just excited and needed to get it out there...I AM HEADED TO THE BEACH!!!!
and I realize that my body is good enough to be there.

We are in it together

This last week we buckled down and made some serious changes.

I had a bridesmaid dress I HAD TO WEAR on Saturday; don't get me wrong-it zipped and all that but it felt super tight around my stomach.

So over the course of the last week we went on a couple of walks, I did a lot of work in my new classroom, and really cut back on what I was eating.  I was able to lose 5 pounds last week. AND with the help of a girdle (they aren't called that anymore they are now called "SHAPERS") that dress fit MUCH better.

The best part is my husband and I have been in this together.  He has also been making changes in his diet (more portion control) and he lost 7 pounds last week!  It really helps when you are trying to cut back when you're not a lone. At least we have both been miserably hungry, right?

Hopefully we will continue and not let life get in the way.

Life happens.

That doesn't mean we have to abandon our own health just because we are too involved in something else that we can't see the damage we are doing to ourselves.

We have let life happen too much this year.  Life happened (relatives getting sick, stress at work, exhaustion) and instead of being reactive to it, we sank to the bottom.  We are in this life together.  We only get this one.  We need to continue to take care of ourselves so that we can enjoy all our lives have to offer us (and not just enjoy the offering of "wanting fries with that").

We went for a walk

We went for a walk Memorial Day.  We had actually planned to go to the movies.  Something that we never really do! We picked out the movie...then forgot.

We went to Bennett Springs instead and took my sweet girl, Molly.  She enjoys going for a walk, but because of us she doesn't get out much either!  We walked for maybe 10 minutes and she was ready to come home!

It was nice to share that time walking with two of my favorite things in the whole world.

she was NOT impressed with the fish.

I am one of those "Dog Moms" who consider their pet to actually be their child.  She sticks close to me and doesn't really notice that other people are around.  She makes me feel special like that<3

Then there is this sweet man.  He actually suggested the walk AND taking Molly.  He took her down this hillside so she could try to get a drink of water.  He says he doesn't love her, but we know differently. 

We need to do this walk thing more often. It was good for all of us!
AND just like a kid, Molly slept in the backseat on the way home :)

Time.

As I read back on my posts since January I realize that my life was functioning in a very manner at the time.  We were just finding out that my aunt was dying with cancer.  No one quite saw it coming (even though we saw it coming for years).

Time went on. 
Her body began to fail quickly.

We lost her just a few days before Easter.
We buried her remains yesterday.
It was a lot harder than I was ready for.

Within 2 years my mom's family has lost 2 siblings and 2 in-laws. Only 1 did not struggle with cancer.
Every time in the last two years that we have lost someone, we grieve all over again for the ones we lost not that long ago.  Then all around me I have friends, coworkers, people you read/see stories about in the news that are losing their lives because of cancer.

I am done with this cancer nonsense. It makes me worry about my loved ones and the things that we don't know.  I look at my husband and pray that we BOTH are able to live happy, "healthy" lives.
...we never know how much time we will be given.

Sometimes we waste our time by getting in the groove of just sitting.
"Relaxing" and watching tv or staring at our computers or phones.

I think perhaps it's time we get back out here and enjoy the life are living and live it for the ones who wish they could still be here living it with us. 
it's time.

Compliments and Reflections

It's always nice to receive a compliment. It makes you feel like you are in fact doing something right with your fashion sense. I feel good about what I wear because I LIKE it.  Not because it's "in style" or because it makes me look thin..er.  I choose my clothes because they represent my personality. Lately I have received compliments from several people I work with.  With their comments about "how cute" I look are usually comes with a side note of them taking a shot at themselves.   So that makes me wonder...why don't they feel as good about their body as I do mine?

Some ladies have odd perspectives about how their bodies look.  By "odd" I mean completely distorted.  They see themselves as fat, not pretty enough, blah hair, etc. All of these things are in fact false.
...but try telling them that.

It's okay to have a pouch and or rolls around your body.
It's okay to have a wide tushy.
It's okay to acne.
It's okay to watch gravity sag your boobs.
It's okay to have uncooperative hair.
It's okay to have cellulite.
It's okay.

I promise you.
It's okay.

I am not saying that I think my body is magazine perfect or that I always have raging self confidence.  BUT I am saying that my body is what I have made it.  I accept it and choose to make the best of it.  I won't let the social rules of what my body is like define what clothes I want to wear or how I feel about myself.  I am not my appearance.

There is a really cool facebook group that sends out a positive message for anyone needing that extra reminder.  You are capable of loving yourself----all of yourself.

Check them out:  https://www.facebook.com/BeautyRedefined